All right, I'm openly admitting that I've been feeling pretty shitty over the last couple of weeks. I seem to be in this perpetual state of depression and I don't know what the hell I should do about it. It's getting pretty hard to post how I really feel on this blog, just due to the fact that a lot of people I know read it and it's not like I want all of you to worry but the whole purpose of this blog was as an outlet so, if this or even future posts sound a little depressing just bear with it for awhile.
On a happier note, I snatched a laboratory project researching the effects of brain modulation on sound sources. Yes, I is geek.
Anyway, I've made countless mistakes in my short lifespan, most of them happening since I left Singapore and started on my own. I knew that I'd make mistakes, I just didn't know that I'd make so many with things that really mattered to me. I thought I knew what I was doing, rather, I thought I knew how to handle situations but obviously I was too young and too stubborn to realise the hole I was digging myself into.
I guess I've gotten slightly wiser since then. Slightly, nah, not really. I don't know if there's any way to make things right again. I'll probably just have to suck it up and move on. Admitting that there have been losses and that you can't win the overall war is a very painful and terrible thing to realise but I should probably stop dwelling on the past and look towards allowing those wounds to finally heal over.
You know before I used to blame it on other things. It was the way I grew up, it was my culture, my age, my whatever but now I know that it was all me. I did those things. I was too chicken shit to do what I really wanted and have ended up here at this point.
It's all right though, I know the depression will go away soon and I know this sounds like a big "oh god I wanna slash my wrists wails" post but it really isn't. Just thinking about the big what-ifs and the things that really mattered, that's all.
