Preoccupied

Meh, it's not that I've probably lost my fire. I guess I just feel slightly defeated over the past couple of weeks. It's like when you're young you walk around thinking you know something, if not everything. Something, so you have that little bit of something and you hold it dear to you, because that is your reality. Then you move away from your home, your friends, your family and little pieces of your reality break away.

The first thing I lost was my faith in my religion and then I lost faith in all religion. The second part I lost was my innocence that family was there to look out for you and protect you. The third part, I don't know what I've lost, I just feel like a black dot in a white sea. Forth part was my illusion of perfect health. Over the past couple of weeks, more and more pieces have slowly started to crumble away. I'm feeling the last part of that something break away now, my faith in my parents.

I'm sure it happens to everyone, one of them epiphanies that happen to you when you're growing up such as, that moment when you realise that the moment is fleeting and that you're mortal or that all actions and inactions have consequences. Now I see my parents as people as well, instead of their roles I've been programmed to believe existed before. I wasn't kidding that post I wrote previously about how television raised me, because it did. You know, it's not that I don't love them, I do and while I understand that they did the best they could, it still bothers me.

As in, will I be like that? Will I make such stupid mistakes? Will I let my emotions take control over me? Should I even bother getting married with the man I'm in love with or should I just give up and self-fertilize or something. Do I even want to spawn more miserable people into this world? Will I be more preoccupied with myself compared to my children? Will I abandon them? Will I be able to love and care for them? Plus many more.

Then I realise that it's not such a bad thing. I've been a latchkey kid since I was 10 and have been slowly groomed off to form some sort of independence from then. I don't think I'm doing that bad for someone who's been able to create a new life in a completely new environment alone. I think I'll be just fine, if I can push aside these stupid worries and stop procrastinating for these cursed exams.