Do I have the right to be angry?

People say I'm a very angry person, but I wonder if sometimes I have the right to be angry.

My mates and I have been going to the gym for around 6 months together but I'm the only person with a day job. We have a set time of 2pm to go to the gym but that changes almost every day depending on a lot of different things. The thing that annoys me is that I'm always the one who has to force a set time from the two of them while they don't bother giving me the same courtesy even though they know that I have to move my schedule around for them. So today, I had enough. I said it was unfair, that we started going to the gym together to motivate and help each other but they're only willing to work around their own schedules and not mine. Maybe I should just take it as a hint that they don't want to go to the gym with me at all..

Progression

I think I've let my anger take control of me. I think going back to this blog is a good thing. I've read some of my earlier writings and didn't realise how much of a little shit I was/am. I think the only positive about this is that I feel as if I've definitely progressed since my younger, angrier days. I don't really have much an opinion on a lot of things anymore. I feel like it's been beaten out of me but at the same time, I'm glad it has.

I still have my opinions I think, but the younger me had a lot more energy to deal with these things. Maybe one day I'll find my fighting spirit again.

My Death

I stopped writing this blog in much happier days. I was with the man of my dreams and everything was going my way. I graduated from my bachelors and undertook a phd. It has now been 3 years since then and I'm plagued with depression once more. So many things have happened since then and I have tried setting up other blogs but haven't had the capacity to stick with it. I suffered... am suffering from severe depression now. I think it has been at least a year while coping with the loss of my relationship, my family's inability to continue supporting my phd and only getting a masters instead. Yes, only. I know it sounds ungrateful but it took a long time to deal with not having the same opportunities as my siblings have had. And I know I'll need to make it on my own from now on and that's okay.

But in death comes rebirth, for me hopefully and since I cannot afford weekly visits to a psychiatrist (I'm still an international student, with little to no health benefits despite paying an exorbitant amount of money for insurance AND extras cover) I'm going to resort to this blog again. I do hope and believe that the power of the mind is powerful and at the very least I can take out my frustrations onto this page and pray that it helps me in some way. At the very least, I'll have a chronicle of my own self destruction. This self is not me, I am not this pathetic excuse for a person. I just got offered a brilliant position in an esteemed laboratory. I finished a post graduate degree. I am not an idiot, I am not stupid and I am not crazy. I just got lost and now I have to find my way back. I hope my story helps someone else out there, like me.

Hi Everyone Again

I'm sure I've lost most of my readers as I haven't even updated my blog in over half a year. I feel at this stage, I am at breaking point again so I'm starting a new blog that will be completely anonymous just so the real life friends or family cannot read it and be completely annoying about the whole affair. Any of my old readers who're here are welcome to message me and I'll give you the address. Speak soon.

No, I haven't forgotten!

My computer's broken down at home and I've got no time at work to do a post. Normally. Today's slightly different, today I thought to say fuck you advancement of prostate cancer information. Fuck you, because I've given up my time and life to research you and now, now I want 5 minutes to write a fucking blog post.

What's happened so far? I found a new bf, I'm doing my masters and the time it's taking up makes me feel like stabbing my insides. I know for a fact that I'd rather be doing this or slicing people open than a plain office job but it still gets to me though. I want to be free, just reading a book and all the things being a university student used to allow me time to afford.

Maybe it's because my project's the same like the other post-docs and phD students which is why my brain's starting to fold. It's not that I cannot handle it, if this were my only job there would be no issue. Just try juggling your full time office work job plus a part time job, it sucks. Balls. Which is mainly why I haven't been posting, yet again. I find that there are other things in life to do, unfortunately, I have something to bitch about which is why we're here today.



We all check emails from the office computer and sometimes, or most of the time, my mother sends me religious or scientific forwarded mail that makes me want to quit university and become a hippie. It seems like not many laymen seem to care about scientific fact. You get a lot of emails from supposed experts who know nothing about the DAMNED TOPIC ANYWAY! How do I know this? You think I spent the last 6 months in a top cancer lab and not know anything about cancer?! ARGH!!! In anger, I wrote a reply, line by line to my mother about this advice against cancer.

Some things I thought I'd clear up :

Milk causes cancer? (No, it hasn't been explicitly shone although I can see how you can come to that conclusion. Milk contains hormones that may cause a hormonal imbalance when eaten which may cause cancer)
Eggs, chicken, etc cause cancer. (Eh, nothing except a few specifically carcinogenic compounds have actually been shown to cause cancer. Two of them are, lead and ethidium bromide)
Soy helps prevent cancer (Actually, soy and some other legume has been known to actually cause cancer in some studies. So you know, merf)
If I stop doing A, I will not get cancer. (Wrong, cancer is such a ridiculously loosely used term by laymen. The thing is, cancer cells are mutated cells. These mutated cells may happen through a myriad of different reasons, all contributive to the CHANCE of getting a mutation. Not only that, it depends where the mutation has occurred and how extensive the mutation is. If you walk around and are completely healthy, the chance of you getting cancer is still there just by walking in the sun.)

The aging vs cancer theory. The more you age, the higher the likelihood of getting cancer. Why is this? Well, whenever your cells divide, you lose a small bit of your DNA. After awhile, this loss may exacerbate or cause a mutation. Not only the loss, but just the act of division itself, in time a likelihood of cancer develops.

I wonder if I can apply mathematical probability to this. As in, say you have a 1 in 10 chance of getting cancer every month. (In real terms, it's a lot higher) So, in 12 months, how would that calculate? I haven't touched a math book in years so I'm hoping one of you can help me out. Cheerio, that's my rant for the day.

Bah!

Once again, I haven't been posting. Posts are getting more and more irregular. I might have to close this blog down, I just don't have time for it at the moment. I've been pretty lost since I broke up with ev last october and I'm slowly successfully starting to put the pieces back together. I've started my research masters, I've finally found a new place to live that allows me to keep my cat as well. I think I might have started seeing somebody, which is just great. So yeah. That's my update. Soz guys, I'll try to keep this blog alive. Try!

Florida court sets atheist holy day‏

I just received this email from my mother. Just, please, read it.

> > In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming
> > Easter and Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to
> > bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and
> > observances of their holy days.
> >
> > The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no
> > such recognized days. The case was brought before a judge.
> > After listening to the passionate presentation by the
> > lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,"Case
> > dismissed!"
> >
> > The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling
> > saying, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this
> > case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The
> > Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah; yet my client
> > and all other atheists have no such holidays."
> >
> > The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you
> > do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."
> > The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any
> > special observance or holiday for atheists."
> >
> > The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April
> > Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his
> > heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this
> > court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool.
> > Therefore, April 1st is his day.
> > Court is adjourned.
> >
> > You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!

Oh, ha. Ha. Ha. How... Amusing. Anyway, I know this is bogus and ridiculously stupid. The thing that bothers me about it though, is that religious people actually read this garbage. You think this is a one off case of my stupid mother? Nope, it's not. Attending an Anglican school for 10 years and a Catholic school for 1 has made me realise that a lot of christians actually do listen to this bullshit. Ridiculous stories like these give them comfort and solace.

Here's another ridiculously stupid story I remember from my childhood. A particular vice principal of a particular secondary school in Singapore read out this story during assembly.

"An old woman had 10 gold coins and she counted them every day. They were so precious to her, blablabla. She lost one of them and turned her house upside down trying to find that one last gold coin. So she ended up spending 8 gold coins to find that 1 gold coin. Eventually, somehow, she found it and all was well."

Um, okay.

10-1=9
9-8=1
1+1=2

Right. So... When she could have had 9, she ended up having 2. Very smart, the moral of the story was that god will do anything to bring you back to the fold. Um... I can't even begin to tell you how ridiculously stupid I think this all is.

Another one from some pastor, or something.

"When I was your age, I did not believe in god. I thought he was a stupid concept and refused to believe him. Then my life started going badly, a lot of horrible things happened to me and I went and thought, why not try praying. I said, in my own room, "God, if you really exist, can you please send me a sign?" And then I felt this heat in my chest, and it kept growing and filling me from head to toe and I could see a bright light. It started getting brighter and brighter and I said, "Oh dear lord, I believe you exist, please forgive me for doubting you." And from then on, I believed."

Yes, I believe that experience is called heroin. You were taking heroin, you fucking junky. I wouldn't be surprised if the blood of christ or whatever has some mild-acting, short half-life version of lsd. How else do you explain the idiots speaking in tongues? The very fact of the matter is, whether this is believable or not, you can't expect someone else to convert into your faith via the very fact that you somehow have had a personal experience and your suspicions have been confirmed but you expect other people to have faith?

Hi, listen to me because I know.
How do you know?
I've seen shit.
Okay, well, I haven't.
You have to have faith.
How bout you get on your back, think of jesus and shut the hell up. I'm not paying you to talk to me.

Sigh, I'm too bored?

Hmmm...?

Maybe I'm just really bad at taking criticism?

I don't know, another thing that annoys me are feminists. They obviously don't understand that the whole reason why this movement started was because women weren't treated EQUALLY. This does not translate to women being treated BETTER. Realistically, if this whole equality of the sexes should occur, obviously there must be some considerations as to the areas that different sexes are stronger in. That noted, it really shouldn't be hard for women to integrate themselves within the work force. You've just got to be expected to be treated equally. EQUALLY.

You can't expect to bat your eyelids and get better treatment than everyone else. Of course I understand the benefits of doing so, but if people aren't willing to give you that extra little bit, you shouldn't expect it then. Plus they tend to have these massive hissy fits when not treated better as well, blah. Go fuck yourself.